Former U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthey, in 2023, declared loneliness an epidemic.
According to his report, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation,” social connection “is a critical and underappreciated contributor to individual and population health, community safety, resilience and prosperity.” And the report pointed out that many Americans lack those connections.
What exactly are social connections? Jeanne Coburn, is a licensed professional counselor at Burrell Behavioral Health.
"There are familial relationships, whether that's your spouse or your parents or your brothers and sisters that you kind of are born into or maybe you married into, those relationships are valuable," said Coburn. "But then there's also a significant value in friendships that are built over time and where you have something in common other than just that familial connection."
She said it's important for people to get out and find things that interest them, find others with similar interests, have conversations and build relationships.
Humans are wired for social connection. Coburn said it starts at birth.
"The first thing that we do when we have an infant is we're teaching them facial expressions and eye contact," she said. "And we've got the facial expressions going, and we're communicating. Communication is so important, and building those relationships in that stage is foundational for building relationships later in life."
What is loneliness?
The experience of loneliness differs from person to person, according to Cecily Cornelius-White, assistant professor of psychology at Drury University. She said loneliness means a person craves connection but doesn’t necessarily know how to get it -- or maybe they don’t feel worthy of connection. And anyone can experience it.
She describes loneliness as a projection of one’s own insecurities.
"We have a tendency as humans when we're given a blank slate, given a neutral stimulus, we tend to project our insecurities onto that," she said. "So oftentimes loneliness is one of those things where you carry it inside of you, and when you're given something that is neutral, that could be interpreted as an opportunity or it could be interpreted as something devastating if we have that insecurity of like, 'I'm not sure I'm going to be able to connect. I have all these fears. I feel worthless,' things like that."
She said all of that gets projected onto the experience, which is why self-alienation is a big piece of it, "and it doesn't matter often whether you're surrounded by people or alone in a room, somebody can be alone and be perfectly fine with it. Others might be in a crowd and feel lonely."
Loneliness and the web
Some people who are hesitant to put themselves in social situations in person, try to make connections online through things like social media and gaming. While that can be beneficial to a point, it can also be detrimental to developing meaningful relationships.
"Sometimes we think we can replace real relationships and in-person interactions with something online, and it's just not as validating and not as reifying," said Cornelius-White. "And so, unfortunately, loneliness can be one of those things that sneaks up on people...I think it's an experience of disconnection."
Coburn said, when someone has a niche interest, the internet can be helpful in connecting with others who also have that same interest. But it shouldn’t replace face-to-face interactions.
"Even if you have a digital friend, I always encourage people to pick up the phone," she said. "It's the old-fashioned way. You know, texting and messaging is great, but it has its limits, too, so pick up a phone and talk to someone."
Addressing feelings of loneliness
It’s important that anyone experiencing feelings of loneliness and isolation take steps to address those feelings. That’s because loneliness can lead to mental and physical health care problems.
"An increased level of stress, which occurs because of loneliness, can have an effect on your body, on your body systems, more adrenaline, less cortisol, more cortisol, you know, can affect your heart, can affect your body systems," said Coburn. "So, while your physical health can be compromised when you're isolated and lonely as well, not to mention you're within four walls maybe and not getting the fresh air and the exercise and getting out and moving about."
And loneliness can lead to feelings of depression and anxiety. Those feelings, "that sense of it just takes too much energy to go out and be with others, the feeling that you aren't going to be accepted or understood by others can make you feel lonely, too," said Coburn.
Cornelius-White agreed that chronic stress can have devastating effects on health, and a good support network can help a person combat that.
But fighting loneliness can be difficult. As Cornelius-White points out, we spend a lot of time at work. While some are lucky to develop meaningful connections with co-workers, not everyone is. And, at the end of the workday, it’s hard to find the time and energy to spend developing relationships with others.
Both Cornelius-White and Coburn suggest starting with a therapist if you’re struggling with loneliness. White realizes that can be scary for some or they don’t want anyone to worry about them, but she says it’s important to seek help.
She wants people to know that feelings of loneliness aren't just warning signs, they're also opportunities. "All of the anxiety that you feel, it's not you being crushed," she said, "it's your body readying itself to make a move, to do something, to mobilize resources so that you can be successful."
And she said, if you have those feelings, it's important to find ways to connect with others. She points out that there are plenty of social groups you might want to connect with such and running and mountain biking clubs.
Libraries offer a variety of programs that bring people with similar interests together. Community centers also offer programming, often for free, and parks departments hold various classes where people come together.
But she said "oftentimes people don't mobilize those because they don't believe that they can or they don't believe they're going to be successful." That's where therapy can help people work through their feelings so that they come to realize that they can be successful in developing friendships.
