Loneliness can affect anyone – it’s an emotional response to actual or perceived isolation. But many times, grief and loneliness go hand in hand.
A person no longer has their loved one with them, but it goes beyond that.
Melanie Blair, a licensed professional counselor and assistant executive director of Lost & Found Grief Center in Springfield said people who are mourning a loss can feel lonely even when they’re not alone.
“We talk about that quite frequently with people that come through our doors," she said. "And really, it's, no matter how many people you're physically surrounded by, the kind of mental conversation, your internal dialog that you're having with yourself about all the things that you're feeling or experiencing, is just a really lonely place to be."
Often those who are grieving feel like those around them don’t understand what they’re going through, and so they isolate. Work is a struggle, Blair said, and so are social interactions.
"All you can think about is not having this person. It's all you want to talk about. It's all, it's all consuming," she said. "And so therefore you isolate, right? You don't have the emotional capacity to be in a social setting to expend that kind of level of energy that you might have been able to do before. You may not have the tolerance for some of the things that you were able to handle prior to this death. And so when you socially isolate, you're not getting around people, you're not interacting, your mental health takes a toll."
The Hamiltons
Ray and Sue Hamilton who live in Elkland lost their 44-year-old son, Paul, to cancer in August of 2020. They were both teachers, and Paul followed in their footsteps.
“He was a media specialist, which is what we used to call librarians," said Ray, "but it was much more than that. He was terrifically involved in his school. He was in charge of the — what do you call the crossing guards? Those kids."
"He arranged to take them (students) to DC annually. And, of course, he had to arrange all sorts of programs to make money for that because he lived in an area where people just didn't have the funds," said Sue. "So even on weekends, he would work to raise funds for that, and he had a lot of fun doing it. And the kids absolutely adored him."
They had friends from church they could talk to after Paul died, they had their daughter, and they could count on their neighbor. But there were others who didn’t understand.
“You know, you’d have people saying, 'well, it's been two years, you should be over this.' You hear people try to say things that they think will help, and they don't," said Sue. "And to me, if you ever find yourself talking to a person who's experiencing that, never tell them you understand unless you've been there. Just a hug, those kinds of things, those are helpful. But it's — I, I still can't talk about Paul without tearing up."
"I can't either," said Ray.
Loss changes who you are
The loss of a love one changes who you are. An article by Heather Stang, author of "Mindfulness and Grief," states that "grief doesn’t just take someone from you, it can take you from yourself."
Blair, who herself has experienced the death of a child, said it’s important for people who’ve lost someone to have opportunities to talk about that person.
“It’s critical to the journey. You know, so often you'll hear, 'well, I don't want to bring it up. I didn't want to say anything. I don't want to mention it because I'm going to make them sad.' Well, that's not true. We're thinking about our person all the time, and with time that might space out. It might not be, you know, at the forefront of our mind all day, every day," said Blair. "You know, for me, it will be eight years in February since my son died. And I think about him every day but not quite the same way that I was in those early days where it's just that's all I wanted to talk about. And so, and your fear as a grieving person is they're going to forget them. It's my person. It's going to be forgotten. No one's going to say their name again. And that's just that's hard. We really need to integrate that person into our lives."
Lost and Found Grief Center offers free support groups where those who are grieving can be around others who have also experienced loss. And, even though they don’t have to, they have opportunities to share memories of their loved one.
“What we know about therapeutic support groups is that you're able to get into a space with other people that are going through a similar experience as you, where you can say things that maybe you can't say in other areas of your life where somebody in that room genuinely, truly understands it," said Blair. "It may not be their exact same experience, but they've maybe encountered something similar. And so when you're in that space and somebody is sharing and you can look around the room and see other people just nodding their head and just being like, yes, or sharing a similar story around that, it really provides a safe atmosphere for somebody to feel heard, for someone to feel understood, and that's where the healing takes place."
Finding people who can support you in your grief is critical, according to Blair. And knowing that you don’t have to go through the experience alone. She said if people offer to help, even if you can’t think of what you need at the moment, reach out to them and tell them what they can do for you.
Finding a way to move forward
It was two years into their grief journey that Sue Hamilton decided she and Ray needed to do something different.
They’d helped out at Crosslines in Lebanon through their church. But Sue decided to check out the organization in Springfield, an hour and a half away from their home. Ray wasn’t quite ready yet, but, since he’s, as he said, Sue’s chauffeur, he went with her. Sue had a plan.
Ray waited in the car while his wife went in, but she knew he has trouble sitting in one place and that he’d eventually come find her. She was offered a tour by Director of Volunteer Engagement Diana Flanigan and said yes.
“I’m sitting in the car, and it's like ten minutes, 15 minutes," said Ray. "Deliberately," added Sue. "Yeah. I didn't know that," said Ray. "And so finally, I better go in and see what's going on, and somebody, Diana talked me into — well, she said 'do you want a tour?' Yeah, well, I started going to tour. I thought, 'oh, this is kind of cool.' Even counting diapers, I thought that was kind of cool. And then I saw intake, which is where I'm working now, which is the computers. And that is really cool. And I just said, 'okay, I'm in.' And that was how it started."
That was around three years ago, and the Hamiltons haven’t looked back. Ray loves working at the computer doing intake, and Sue has found her niche -- greeting people at the front desk two days a week. The experience has changed their lives and helped them cope with their grief and the loneliness that can accompany it.
“We have fun with the people," Sue said. "You know, we do a lot of laughing. And that's another thing, when you're having fun and when you're laughing, it helps a lot."
Their experience has also helped others get through difficult times. Sue’s friend is the primary caregiver for her husband with Alzheimer’s.
“I’ve seen picture after picture after picture of diamond art that she's got under her bed, and I'm always talking about Crosslines," said Sue. "And she decided that she could make some blankets, and she got some fabric...and she made three blankets and she thought, 'you know, we are going to have people here overnight,' and we have people who are homeless who come here maybe asking for them. And right now, her husband is not doing well and she's focused on that so she hasn't been working on the blankets, but she will again."
Blair said, if you’re grieving and experiencing loneliness, just know that you don’t have to go it alone. Help can be found in friends who want to help you through it – or in doing like Sue and Ray and finding the place where you can make new friends, be around people with a similar passion and make a difference.
Support for Making a Difference is provided by the Community Foundation of the Ozarks.
