Michele Skalicky talks with Tina Miller, adoption coordinator for LFCS in Springfield.
I'm going to start by having you tell us just a little bit about LFCS.
Miller: LFCS started during the Civil War as an orphan home for children who were orphaned during the war...adoption services grew out of that to meet the need of those children who had been orphaned. And that was all based in the Saint Louis area. And eventually services started to grow from there to meet other needs for families, to strengthen families and help keep families together. And so now we have offices across the state and programs that are kind of tailored to the region that the offices are in. We have adoption and parenting programs in every office. We have foster care and a child development center in Saint Louis that are specific to Saint Louis. And then we have, you know, some different programs that are specific in each kind of region.
When people think of someone who is giving up their child for adoption, they may think they give them up and there's no looking back. But that's not the case often, is it?
Miller: No, that's not the case. Often women come to us at a vulnerable time. They've learned that they're pregnant, or they are partway through their pregnancy and feel like they don't have the resources, or they don't have the strength to be able to provide a child what they need. Maybe they're not ready to become parents, or they've had other children that they've parented, and they don't have the resources to add to their family again. So they start considering adoption. And when they come to us, our first order of business is to be compassionate and nonjudgmental about the things that they're facing, and to provide them with information about what their options are.
What do adoptions today look like?
Miller: Most adoptions, in fact, the the vast majority, 90% or more of adoptions are open now. The court records may still be sealed in Missouri. The laws allow for closed adoption records, but in practice, most adoptive parents know and have met and have interacted with the birth parents and have plans to have an ongoing relationship after the child is placed. And so in Missouri, you can have a legal document that's drawn up called a post-adoption contact agreement that stipulates the minimum amount of that contact and how that's going to look until the child turns 18. And so most families have at least annual contact, um, if not more. And in some cases it becomes a really inclusive relationship, almost as if the birth family is part of the adoptive family's extended network. And they might share the same kinds of like baby's first tooth or when baby takes their first step or inviting them to the child's big events like graduation or things like that.
And how does that benefit all who are involved?
Miller: Oh, it benefits every party within the adoption. Obviously, it benefits the birth family to have a relationship ongoing with their child after they've made such a difficult decision to place their child with another family. It benefits the adoptee to have a connection ongoing with the full range of people that are connected to them their birth parents, their birth heritage, other members of their extended family might even be involved with that relationship helps with their grief and loss. Their identity issues helps them feel like adoption was not a rejection of them. If they know and have an ongoing relationship with their birth parents and adoptive parents. I have many adoptive parents who tell me that the birth parents that they're connected to are really important to them, and they feel deep love for them.
So it seems like then for that child, it just broadens their family.
Miller: Yeah, for sure. I like to refer to adoption as a multiplication of love rather than a division. You're not taking a child's available capacity for love and dividing it up among the people that are connected to them. You're multiplying all the love that they receive from the people connected to them through adoption.
And tell us how LFCS works to make sure that it's a successful adoption.
Miller: Well, one of the things that LFCS focuses on with families who are coming to us to adopt is education about what it's going to look like. And the reality of adoption in modern times. And a big component of that is education about open adoption and how that can look, how to navigate challenges with it, how it benefits all the parties, how to do it, just the basics of how to conduct that. And so that education really sets the stage for them to have a positive attitude toward the agreement that gets drawn up, because they can see how it's going to benefit them and their child long term, to have an agreement in place with the birth family.
Why is it important for people to have the option to choose to adopt or to have their child adopted?
Miller: Well, adoption is always going to exist. Even if we could solve all of the issues in the world that lead people to choose adoption for their child. There will always be adoption. There will always be people who need that as an option. And so to meet that need, we're always going to need adoptive parents to step up and consider growing their family. Now, in many cases, the people who choose adoption to grow their family are people who have had barriers, barriers to growing their family in a different way. Infertility. Maybe they have medical issues that cause pregnancy to be a high risk for them. Perhaps they are a single person or an LGBTQ couple who don't have growing their family through biology as an option for them, and so there's always going to be opportunities to grow your family through adoption, because that needs always going to exist.
So for those who are wanting to adopt, what is the process look like?
Miller: Any type of adoption that you step into, whether it's an infant adoption, foster care, international adoption, adopting the child of a relative. They all begin with a home study evaluation. And so that's a pretty intensive process for families, because you have a social worker coming into your home, evaluating your family system, going through your history, getting references, medical records, um, all kinds of documentation to prove that you are a safe option for a child to live in your home and to be parented by you. And so it's a pretty intensive process. Usually takes 2 to 3 months to complete multiple visits and interviews. Um, so that's the very first step in any type of adoption. Um, they'll also complete training during that process. Again, regardless of the type of adoption, there will be training to prepare them for the unique family system that's being created in adoption. Adoption is really complex. It's a lifelong experience. It's not just that moment that the child comes home. It's not just that moment in court. The child and the family are impacted for a lifetime, so education is a big part of it. And then the process of getting matched is the next big step for families. And so in infant adoption, typically they're working with an agency who also works with crisis pregnancy situations and women who are considering or choosing adoption in foster care. The process typically involves fostering a child or children, and at some point the case goal may change to adoption in those situations.
What specific services do you offer?
Miller: So our services for adoption at LFCS primarily focus on infant adoption. Occasionally, we have women who choose adoption for very young children that they've been parenting. But something has happened. And parenting that child is no longer an option for them. But typically we are working with women who are still pregnant and are choosing adoption during their pregnancy.
What is the process look like for the birth parent?
Miller: The process for women who are considering adoption begins with inquiring with an agency like LFCS. You know, they come and they say, 'I don't know if I can do this, I need help, I'm considering adoption.' And then we provide information about the options that exist for them, get them connected to resources, because we don't want people to make a permanent decision based on a temporary circumstance. And so if we can help them meet needs for stable housing, employment, getting set up with resources in the community, we want them to be stable when they're making this permanent, lifelong decision. So that's the experience that they can expect in an ethical adoption process. And then if they are certain, even after their situation is more stable that they want to choose adoption, then we start gathering information and helping them get connected to a family who's a good fit for what she hopes her child's life will look like.
What else would you like us to know about adoption?
Miller: I would love for the public to realize that adoption is not a 100% happy experience. I think people are accustomed to celebrating adoption as a blessing, or considering that the child is so lucky to have been chosen for adoption, and all parties in adoption have a much more complicated emotional experience connected to the adoption process. You know, for adoptive parents, they may have experienced a long journey of infertility, miscarriages, infant loss prior to choosing adoption, they may have had some disappointments within the adoption process. Adoptees feel grief over the loss of their birth family. Birth parents grieve for a lifetime, the loss of their child, even if they have an ongoing connection. Many wish that they had had a different option available to them at the time that they were choosing adoption. So it's a very complicated emotional experience for people, and we need to hold space for that as a as a community surrounding people who are connected to adoption.
