Substance use disorder is a condition where there is uncontrolled use of a substance despite negative consequences, according to the American Psychiatric Association.
Theresa Brown grew up in the 60s in a rural town in North Carolina. Today, she is in recovery from substance use. She says her drug use helped her cope with the trauma that happened in her childhood when she was a victim of her father.
“He molested me for years, and I think that’s why the drugs did so good for me is because it numbed my brain. And, I could focus and could have sex—and it didn’t bother me," says Brown.
Brown's life didn’t get any easier. She moved in and out of foster homes and mental institutions. She got married at 16 hoping being in love and pregnant would change things for the better. However, her first husband was abusive, and they were both still using drugs. They quickly got divorced, but Brown says she still wanted "a husband, a baby, and a white picket fence and all the luxuries of love. And, it didn’t happen, until I met Amber and Jessica’s father. And, that was the love of my life, I mean, I never knew love could be so good.”
JB also struggled with addiction. They got married, and she had two more daughters. But she continued to struggle with mental illness during their marriage.
“For our marriage, he changed. And, I had to change, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t or I could, and just—I didn’t know how," says Brown.
She recognizes today she wasn’t a good mother or wife because of her addiction. She says she was in and out of her family’s life.
"It wasn’t that I cheated on him, but I did — that drug was my lover. It was life until I landed in jail, it landed me in jail and I couldn’t get to it and it couldn’t get to me," Brown says. "And, I suffered cold turkey in jail, withdrew in a jailcell. That’s when my life started changing. That’s when I was losing everything.”
Going to prison in her 40s provided her with education. She went through two programs. One was, in Theresa’s words, cult-like, and the other was eye-opening. It was the first time she had ever had access to mental health treatment for her childhood trauma and substance use disorder.
"It was amazing to learn all the knowledge that they had to give and the book learning. To be able to see more clearly—maybe it stemmed from what happened as a child," Brown says.
Before that, Theresa says she felt just like the worst person alive.
"The addict, the part of me that was out there doing — that was a person I don't wish anybody to become," she says.
She continued to struggle with substance use after leaving the program.
Reporter: “You can force an addict to go to these classes and these programs, but it really doesn’t start working—"
Theresa: "Until they want it to work — you want it to work. When I died in a Walgreen parking lot is when I decided, 'what...am I doing? My life here is amazing. What am I doing?'”
This was about year and half ago, and it was the last day Theresa used drugs.
"God must have slapped me upside the head, at my 66-year-old butt, and said, 'you have got to do something.' I am going to die," says Brown.
She says her perspective on life shifted. That’s when a friend left a business card for medical treatment for substance use.
"And I carried it in my car, and I wouldn't call it. I still had this number looking at me, and I got to thinking about it. I was scared. I was scared," says Brown.
She says she had to make the decision herself to accept treatment.
"I get on the maintenance program of buprenorphine, and they put me on that. And, I was, like, alright," says Brown. "This buprenorphine has really done amazing for my brain."
Buprenorphine is a medicine used to treat opioid use disorders. Brown says it blocks her drug cravings and allows her to think clearly.
Brown has learned how to identify triggers and says it’s a daily choice to respond to them in a healthy way. She says relapsing is not beneath her.
"It's right here. I mean, it could be next door. And if I’d walk in —a m I going to stay there and allow myself to be subject? No! I am going to leave," says Brown.
She has made amends with her support systems, but she says it’s a lifelong process to make amends with herself. She has learned how to be herself without drugs, and it’s all she’s ever wanted.
"My life is worth more than sticking needles in my arm or popping pills and being belligerent to not know what's going on," Brown says. "Going outside the door, I realized, the birds are beautiful. Listening to them in the morning saying ‘pretty, pretty,’ because that’s what it sounds like they’re saying. It makes me feel good that I can listen, and I can actually hear that.”
Brown says she couldn’t find the life she wanted without education, medical treatment and her support system. She says Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholic Anonymous groups never worked for her, but she has seen it work for others. She had to find the path and treatment options that worked for her.
Brown wants everyone to know they shouldn’t judge people with substance use disorders.
“You may judge them, and you may judge me, but you could be just like this. It could happen to you, and your life’s good, and you’re better than we are. You’re not. You’re one step away," Brown says.
KSMU asked Brown what she would say to people struggling with substance use.
She says to imagine something that you love more than your drug of choice, “and what is that? Nothing. Because, I know, if you’re like me — you love that drug more than you love yourself. It was your everything. It was my everything. But I didn't give up. I had to give up when I went to jail. I couldn’t get to it, and it couldn’t get to me. But did that stop me? No. I relapsed and I relapsed. But I finally got the urge, I want better. I deserve better. All of us that struggle with addiction we don’t think of ourselves worthy —or I didn’t — but, you are. You are worthy, and you can do it.”
Today, Brown enjoys spending time with her family and being someone she can be proud of.
If you’re struggling with substance use disorder and you’re ready for treatment, go to time2actmissouri.com to find resources near you.
